Fixing Sunshine
by RazzleJazzle21
Summary: Justin is losing hope in ever having the future he wants with Brian.Every day it gets harder & harder to pretend to be happy. Pretend he isn't jealous of what Mikey & Ben have, Linds & Mel. A commitment, a home, a family...someone who is at least willing to love you back. Brian gets a little help from the powers that be while he tries to figure out what's wrong and how to fix it.
1. Chapter 1

He was sitting on the couch, staring despondently out the window with a single tear running down his face; the same question running through his mind that seemed to be plaguing his thoughts now a days. Would things ever change? He'd gone out of his way to ignore it this entire time, to pretend it didn't bother him one bit. As he'd helped Michael set up his store earlier, listening to him babble on about his and Ben's relationship…he'd felt the harsh slap of jealousy, of longing and once again tried in vain to push it away and tell himself he was happy. That he could live with how things were, with him giving Brian everything and taking whatever scraps of affection the man decided to send his way.

It had almost been five years now, almost five years of their messed up non-conventional off and on relationship. Almost five years of being so insanely in love with Brian he was willing to put up with the way thing were and trying to convince himself that one day things would be different…but it was finally occurring to him that things were never going to change. He would never be enough for Brian, and he needed to learn how to accept it. Brian would never be his, and it didn't matter how much Justin loved him, or how much he tried…Brian would never ever give him what he wanted.

They would never have a home together, with a bed that only they had shared. They'd never have a family together. He'd never get to say 'this is my husband Brian'. Hell Justin would probably never hear those three fucking words that he would give anything for, he would go through being bashed all over again if he could just hear Brian say even once 'I love you, you're the only one I want' and actually mean it. But it won't ever happen; a life with Brian would never be able to fill that gaping hole of longing in his heart, his insecurities and feelings of worthlessness would never go away.

It was getting harder and harder every day to pretend he was okay when in reality, he wasn't. That little voice in the back of his head that kept getting louder each day was relentless in telling him how lacking he was, how he could disappear and no one would really care, how pointless it was to even bother getting out of bed each morning.

He wondered if he just wasn't loveable. Maybe Brian wasn't the problem; maybe it was him, something about him that made people want to hurt him, something about him that was so lacking that no one would ever be satisfied with just him. After all even Ethan with all his pretty words and 'romance' had hopped into bed with someone else the minute he had the opportunity. Why couldn't he just be enough for someone? Anyone?

He heard shuffling behind him and knew Brian had woken up, realized he wasn't in bed and came out looking for him. He quickly wiped his eyes and tried to suppress the sniffling sensation.

"Justin?" he heard Brian call out curiously

"I'm fine, go back to bed" Justin responded quietly

He heard a heavy sigh and footsteps and felt Brian sit down next to him on the couch. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Did you have a nightmare?"

"Nope."

"Justin"

"What?"

"Justin…will you just fucking look at me?"

Justin turned his head and looked at Brian taking in the slightly furrowed brow and pursed lips and he hoped that he could successfully hide his feelings, lately he'd been slipping in his superior acting abilities and the heartache within would reflect on the outside, and he really didn't need more people catching him off guard with the 'are you okay?' 'What's wrong?' making him realize that he wasn't hiding his feelings as well as he used too.

"Seriously Brian, its fine. I just have a lot on my mind. Go back to bed, you have work in the morning" he said and forced what he hoped was a convincing smile on his face.

Brian gave him a searching look for a moment before reaching up a hand and cupping Justin's face, leaning forward to capture his lips in a searing kiss. Justin sighed against his lips and seemingly melted into the kiss, parting his lips almost immediately. When Brian pulled away Justin's breathing was slightly hitched and he leaned closer to tuck his face into Brian's neck whispering 'I love you Brian' softly, so softly in fact Brian almost didn't hear it.

BPov

Something was going on with Justin. For a while he'd wondered if Justin was seeing someone again, if we were going to have a fiddler re-peat. But as quickly as the thought struck him he knew it wasn't true. There were no excessive showers for no reason, no sneaking around and coming home late. As it was Justin only ever seemed to go out anywhere when he was dragged along with Brian.

At first, he hadn't even realized something was wrong until he was sitting at the diner and overheard Debbie talking to Emmett and Mikey about him. Asking if they knew what was wrong with him, and listening to Emmett worriedly whispering back that he didn't know what was going on but that he was getting really concerned, and Mikey of all people nodding in agreement shooting an anxious look in Justin's direction as he methodically worked the tables around the diner. He continued to listen in on their conversation while he turned to really _look_ at Justin, taking in the slumped shoulders, the slight under eye circles and absent minded frown. Each time someone spoke to him he'd look up and give them a weak and obviously forced smile that didn't reach his eyes at all and Brian wondered just how long he'd been looking at Justin without really seeing him, because if he had really been paying attention he would have noticed this without having to listen in to other's conversations.

He listened to Michael say that a couple days ago Justin had been helping him at the shop and they'd been talking about the new house and when Justin had gone into the back room to pull out the next box of comics Michael had almost walked in to ask him a question when he saw Justin sitting on the box with his head in his hands crying. He'd backed up quickly and called Justin's name to warn him that he was about to come in and by the time he walked in the door Justin's face had cleared back into an indifferent mask with a false smile in place and simply picked up the box carrying it out and when Michael asked him later if he was doing alright the blond had shot him a grin and said 'Of course, I'm great' and went back to stocking the shelves. Next Emmett nodded and told them about how the last time they were all at Babylon together when Brian had been in the backroom with some trick he'd turned to talk to Justin and realized he was just sitting at the bar staring down at his drink before downing it and motioning for another, he'd watched as Justin did shot after shot until finally the blond stopped and ran a hand over his face muttering 'what's the fucking point?' before he finally schooled his expression and looked over at Emmett asking him to let Brian know he was heading home because he had a migraine. Emmett had agreed carefully and watched as Justin shoved his hands in his pockets and walked out of the club dejectedly with his shoulders slumped in defeat.

Debbie was frowning and said that she'd noticed too, that she couldn't even remember the last time she'd seen him really smile and was starting to think he was depressed. That even the last time Daphne had been in the diner she pulled Debbie aside and mentioned she was worried about Justin and that she thought something was wrong with him. Apparently they'd been talking and suddenly Justin asked her if she thought he would looked good if he dyed his hair dark, got a tan and maybe started working out more, she'd almost laughed until she realized he was serious and when she admitted she couldn't see him with dark hair and thought it would look weird, his face had crumbled. When she asked why he'd want to change he'd just shrugged and avoided eye contact before muttering 'Some people prefer the tall dark and handsome look as opposed to the stupid blond twink…either way it doesn't matter, it was a stupid idea' and then immediately changed the subject. Daphne had been so confused; she couldn't ever remember a time that Justin didn't feel confident in how he looked and couldn't figure out what in the hell would suddenly make him want to change now.

Ever since he'd started paying attention to his young lover and he honestly agreed with their friends, something was definitely not okay. When they finally approached him with their concerns he'd nodded and told them he was worried himself but he didn't know what was wrong, he'd promised to try to figure it out though and asked them to keep an eye on him when he wasn't around.

When he'd woken up tonight and realized he was in bed alone he'd had a sudden moment of panic, worrying that Justin had done something stupid. When he noticed the figure sitting on the couch, only slightly illuminated by the moonlight shining in from the windows, he heard the slight sniffle and got up to talk to Justin. But his lover had brushed off his concerns repeatedly with the words 'I'm fine' so he'd kissed him and immediately felt Justin seemingly melt against him and kiss back almost desperately. When Brian had finally pulled away Justin curled into him, tucking his face into Brian's neck whispering a soft and slightly broken 'I love you Brian' against the skin.

Hearing the slight undertone of sadness was enough for Brian to pull Justin onto his lap and wrap his arms around him, he may never admit to 'cuddling' but he was at a loss as to how to get Justin to open up about what the hell was going on. His sunshine was hiding something from him and everyone else for some reason, and if he needed Brian to hold him for a little while? Then Brian would suck it up and hold him.

When he finally convinced Justin to come back to bed with him he held him close to his chest letting the blond fall asleep curled up to him, but he couldn't seem to fall asleep himself. His mind was running wild wondering what was going on with Justin and despite how much he would deny it if anyone called him out on it, he was worried; concerned even.

He wanted Justin to be okay, to be happy. It scared him that whatever was going on in Justin's head was affecting him this much. In all honesty, Justin didn't normally get depressed, when he was upset about something he tended to move from upset to anger as a way to deal with it. With his hand and the bashing, with all the stupid shit with Cody and the 'pink posse'…he'd taken everything he was feeling and turned it into this sort of rage. Sure he'd seen him sad, worried, concerned…but not like this. Not to the point he was honestly getting scared for Justin's wellbeing.

He pressed a kiss to the top of the blonds head and shut his eyes and mentally prayed to whatever deity may or may not be out there that he would figure out what was going on with his sunshine, and learn how to fix it. He fell asleep almost immediately after and started to dream, he was in a white room with a table and two chairs in the middle. Seated in one chair was a woman with hair so light it was almost a glowing golden white, he was about to ask her where he was when she motioned for him to join her at the table. He let out a put upon sigh before sitting down and raising a brow in her direction.

'Who the hell are you?' he asked bluntly.

She smiled at him slightly amused 'Well Brian Kinney, for the first time in your life you actually care about someone enough to ask for help…and despite other's attempts to stop me, I've decided to offer it to you. My name is Elowyn."

'Right…well Elowyn…I repeat, who the hell are you and what the fuck am I doing here?'

'You are here Brian because I want to make you an offer, do you really want to help your sunshine?' she asked curiously

Brian wearily nodded and she flashed him a smile in return 'Excellent! In that case my offer is this…a gift to help you, help him. But I do warn you that until you have fixed the real issues…it will not go away. You have to commit to helping him and really see it through. Do you understand?'

'Sure, as long as I can fix whatever the hell is wrong with him' he said with a shrug. He figured this was a dream…what was the point in disagreeing?

'Alright, when you wake up…don't be frightened by anything you feel or hear. Instead, just listen…and feel…and understand.' She explained gently and patted him on the hand and stood up walking away.

'Wait uhh…Elowyn? Why did you help me?' he asked

she looked over her shoulder and gave him a kind look 'Because I'm a romantic at heart, and despite your best efforts to come off as uncaring and heartless, to never admit to loving him…you do. I believe that by helping him, you can help yourself in return, and it's about time that the two of you stop hurting and have some happiness in your life. Good Luck Brian Kinney' and with that she vanished.

The next morning Brian woke up to a voice in his head that wasn't his own.

_'Maybe if I pretend to still be asleep he'll let me cuddle just a bit longer'_ along with the voice was this strange feeling of warmth in his chest that he didn't understand one bit. He peeked open his eyes and looked down at the blond head nestling into his chest and realized his dream was not much of a dream.

*well…fuck* he thought, hearing and feeling…did that mean he was going to be listening to Sunshine's thought's and feeling everything he felt?

"I know you're awake Sunshine" he murmured and felt the ping of surprise, as Justin started pulling away he reached out and pulled him back against his chest, curling his arms around him and nuzzled his nose into the blond hair and felt this overwhelming surge of happiness that caused him to smile.

*Christ, all that just because I'm letting him cuddle with me?* he thought.

For the rest of the morning Brian paid close attention to Justin's emotional reactions to the things he did and couldn't believe that the slightest bit of affection seemed to cause such a spike in Justin's happiness. He'd always wondered if Justin honestly did love him, wondered just how deeply the blond felt for him…but he'd never expected for it to feel like this. What worried him however was the underlying feeling of sadness and longing Justin seemed to carry with him.

That night they were supposed to go to Debbie's for family dinner, and then Babylon with the guys. Throughout the day, he tried to combat each feeling of sadness with something that seemed to make Justin happy. As the day went on the emotions became clearer, more precise. The original whisper of Justin's voice in the back of his head came in stronger. He still couldn't pinpoint however what was causing the sadness.

That night at Debbie's they were all sitting around the table and he caught both Debbie and Emmitt shoot him looks of approval at his Sunshine's apparent good mood that obviously had a lot to do with the fact that he was being far more affectionate than usual. Hell all it had taken was him sporadically deciding to see what would happen if he held Justin's hand one the way to Deb's to get that sunshine smile shot in his direction and a warm pulse of happiness hit his heart via Sunshine's emotions.

Everything was going well while they all sat down and passed around the food, it wasn't until the conversation started that Sunshine's good mood seemed to begin to waver. Debbie asked Mikey and the Professor how the new house was coming along and as they spoke Sunshine's smile began to dim and he felt a sudden wave of longing, jealousy and desire. He quietly paid closer attention to Justin, resting an arm around the back of his chair and watched him watch Mikey and Ben. When the conversation turned to Jenny Rebecca he felt another wave of emotion his him, this time sadness.

He noticed Justin's attention being diverted and saw Gus walking up to him from the living room and tugging on Justin's arm "Jus'in?" he heard his son ask quietly and he watched as Sunshine leaned down so Gus could whisper in his ear, he both felt and saw Justin's amusement at whatever it was Gus had said and watched him nod and turn to me to say he'd 'be right back' and got up lifting Gus up with him and settling him on his hip in one swift move and walking into the living room.

Brian knew that the feeling he got at the sight of seeing his son in the arms of his lover was his own as much as he would love to blame the lesbionic emotions on Sunshine, he had to admit that it warmed his heart seeing the two of them together, seeing the way Justin interacted with Gus and how Gus responded. Part of him wanted to get up and follow his two boys to the living room so he could continue to watch them but didn't want to admit to wanting it.

He turned back and noticed Debbie giving him a small smile and nodding at him to follow and he decided 'screw it' and got up to walk into the living room finding Justin sitting with Gus while he drew something on a piece of paper, he then said something to Gus and pointed to the paper, he watched Gus nod and saw Justin take Gus's hand in his and helped him draw something together. He sat down on the couch and leaned forward saying "What are you two working on?" curiously. Justin's face looked up surprised to see him sitting there watching and he gave him a slight smile and was about to answer before Gus turned and happily said "Daddy Jus'in is helping me draw a family picture Daddy!"

I watched as Justin's eyes went wide with wonder and heard in my head _'He just called me Daddy' _and this rush of happiness and love for my son hit me before a sudden feeling of apprehension as he looked away from Gus and met my eyes as if he were waiting for me to tell Gus that he wasn't his 'Daddy'. I heard the conversation behind me stop and turned to see everyone's mouth's slightly parted in shock, apparently they'd heard Gus declaration as well.

I met both Lindsay and Mel's eyes and saw them exchange a look and then nod at me as if to say 'It's up to you how you want to handle this' and turned back to Gus and Justin with a smile and said "That's great Sonny Boy, why don't you show me what you and Daddy Justin did?" then watched as the utter and complete shock hit Justin's face with amusement.

_'Daddy…Gus called me Daddy and Brian is Okay with it…Holy Shit…maybe it isn't hopeless'_ he heard Justin's voice float through his mind and wondered curiously WHAT exactly Justin thought was hopeless.

Gus tugged him onto the floor with him and Justin and showed his father the picture "See Daddy! There's mommy, and momma…there's you and Daddy Jus'in…here's me and that's JR! Daddy Jus'in said when I'm finished we can put it up on the refrigerator at your house, can we Daddy?"

"Of course we can Sonny Boy" he said softly and kissed his son on the top of his head. He looked over at Justin and saw he was still staring at him in wonder, he stood up and held a hand out for him pulling him up and settled both of them on the couch together winding an arm around Justin's shoulders.

"Brian? Are you okay with what Gus called me? I didn't tell him too I promise" he heard his Sunshine quietly ask and turned to look at him, Justin was biting is lip uncertainly and he gave him a small smile and reached up to pull Justin's lip from his teeth and leaned forward to give him a soft kiss.

"Of course I'm okay with it; I'm actually surprised he hasn't called you that sooner. You've been as much of a father to him as I have…probably even more" he said nonchalantly as if it was really no big deal.

He couldn't contain his own smile at Justin's face lit up happily and launched himself at him pulling him in for a deep kiss. When he pulled away he felt his heart give a warm pulse and heard his sunshine whisper "I love you so fucking much Brian"

Brian smiled at his apparent success in making his Sunshine happy again before he felt a sudden pain of hurt and sadness. Justin's attention was settled back on Gus and Brain observed his face carefully wondering what had caused it.

_'Just once…I just want to hear him say it back once…'_ he heard the whisper in his head.

He didn't even get a chance to properly think about what that meant because not a moment later he heard a sharp cry ring out from upstairs where JR was taking her nap. Immediately Justin shot up and said "I got her Mel, no worries! You guys finish your dinner" and he quickly hurried up the stairs. Brain stared after him for a moment before getting up and saying "I'll be right back Sonny Boy, I'm going to go check on Daddy Justin and your sister" before following his lover up the stairs.

When he came up to the door to Michael's old room where JR had been taking her nap he heard Justin talking to the baby and he peeked through the cracked door way to watch and listen in "Shhhh…it's alright baby girl I've got you… You know Jenny…I hope that if I'm ever lucky enough to have a daughter…she's as beautiful and as sweet as you" Justin whispered and pressed a kiss to the baby's head as he rocked her back and forth in his arms while humming some soothing lullaby under his breath.

Brian had known Justin was good with kids, since day one he'd known because he'd been an absolute natural with Gus. The warm feeling of love an adoration he felt from Justin for the small child in his arms and he had to admit that he found the picture of his lover with a baby in his arms undeniably attractive…though part of him wanted to stop down the thought and argue that he wasn't some sentimental muncher…he couldn't even pretend he didn't love seeing Justin with his son and JR.

_'Someday…maybe…no Brian wouldn't ever agree…if I brought it up he'd probably laugh at me' _ he heard Justin's thought slip through his mind and he furrowed his brow in confusion trying to pay closer attention. "Well JR…even if I can't have my own baby with the man I love…at least I can pretend with you sometimes right? That'll have to be enough for me, it's going to have to be enough for me" he whispered and kissed the baby one more time before laying her down in her crib and sitting on the bed sighing heavily and putting his head in his hands. The crash of sadness and overwhelming longing hit Brian so deeply he actually clutched his hand to his chest as if in physical pain.

Then something new happened, instead of a sound or a feeling…he saw a flash in his mind of what Justin was thinking about…what Justin wanted…he saw himself and Justin in their own home with a ring on his finger and two little kids with bright blonde hair and blue eyes with those big sunshine smiles and a whisper of_ "I love you Brian"_ and "_I love you too Sunshine_".

Now he understood.


	2. Chapter 2

This is RazzleJazzle's Brother, my sister wants to apologize for not being able to write the last few months. We discovered the problems with her wrist turned out to be Nerve Damage and when her other wrist started acting up along with her neck they are now looking into the possibility of double crush syndrome. Essentially that means there is nerve compression at more than one site, so just treating or having surgery on her wrists wont fix the problem. There's a chance she will need surgery on her spine and will be having tests to find out. She is not giving up on anything, she is just taking what she called a 'medical leave of absence from writing' since she cant exactly do it with either hand and apparently didn't appreciate my idea to type with her nose. Her health has really taken a dive this last year and she has a group of doctors working to try and pin point all the different medical problems she has and figure out how to either fix it, or make it bearable for her. So please just be patient and know that she hasn't given up or quick on anything, If it was up to her she'd be typing up a storm like normal but it's just not possible for her right now. Everything going on has really overwhelmed her and it's been hard dealing with all of this, I know she appreciates the support she's been given for her stories and the words of encouragement means the world to her, so thank you from the both of us for being one of the only reasons she gets a real smile anymore ( I read her the review updates when she's resting after physical therapy sometimes) Please keep her in your thoughts and cross your fingers that things get better for her, it's hard for us all to see her suffering like this.

Thank you.


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